A HORROR STORY WITH A MORAL

by

Patrick Moule
Hon. Secretary

This is the story of St Fridebred's Church at Upper Godwot, whose good people realised that its ancient structure was giving Cause for Alarm.  The Quinquennial Survey for once could no longer be buried with murmurs of 'We'll get round to that in a few years'.  The PCC decided that Something Must be Done and the Usual People got on with raising money.  Someone thought that English Heritage had a Cornucopia and there might even be some money to be had from the Loamshire Historic Churches Trust; and someone else thought that the Architect, Mr Leaning Piers, ought to be involved, so the Churchwardens rang him up.  He was only too pleased to come over and helped with the lengthy application to English Heritage, who eventually said they would make a Large Grant on many dozens of conditions, which had to be swallowed.  The LHCT, on a very short application, made a more modest grant without conditions.

The Churchwardens had never Trodden this Path before, and fervently hope never to tread it again.  They did not seek the advice from the Archdeacon or anyone else but put themselves in the hands of Mr Leaning Piers, who found them a firm of Builders, Messrs Bodgit & Cover.  The specification was approved by the Diocesan Chancellor, the Worshipful Mr Steeple, QC, and eventually work began.  The Churchwardens looked forward to a nice sound church by Christmas.  Workmen came and went, the final payment was made, Messrs Bodgit & Cover went on their way rejoicing, Mr Leaning Piers had his good fat cheque (12.5% of the cost), the Bishop preached at a celebration Service and the Upper Gotwotians congratulated themselves on a job well done.

It was a nice white Christmas - the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and, indeed, even; but the New Year brought a Thaw and soon the People in the Pews were alarmed to see that there was almost as much Water Dripping into the Church as there had been before the work had begun.

Questions were asked.  Mr leaning Piers was sent for and gave his opinion that the work had not really been done in accordance with his Very Full Specification, in short, it hadbeen Skimped.  The Churchwardens plucked up courage to ask the Great Man why he had not noticed that the builders were not doing the job properly and he kindly explained that he had not been engaged to Supervise the Work;  indeed there was no agreement between him and the parish at all.

This was plainly Very far from Satisfactory.  At this point the Churchwardens and the PCC girded up their Collective Loins and consulted a firm of Solicitors, Messrs Argue and Phibbs (the senior Churchwarden had been at school with Mr Argue), instructing them to drop a few Bombs (as it were) on Mr Leaning Piers, now apparently a Broken Reed, and the rascally Messrs Bodgit & Cover.  Things began to happen.  A very helpful surveyor, Mr Plumb Right, and sound builders. Messrs Lead Fitts, got to the bottom of the trouble and put it all right.  Meanwhile Messrs Argue & Phibbs pointed out that English Heritage, among their Many Conditions, had stipulated that they should come and inspect at This Moment and That Moment, which had not happened (if it had, they might have Sounded the Alarm); and they went in pursuit of Mr Leaning Piers (which was difficult, as he had not entered into any Terms of Engagement) and of Messrs Bodgit & Cover, who said it was Not their Fault, they had done what the architect told them and anyway they hadn't got any money.  After quite a lot of this Messrs Argue & Phibbs put in their Interim Bill, which came even closer to causing Cardiac Arrest in the Churchwardens than what had gone before.  The amount would have paid for a great deal of the work now being so well executed by Messrs Lead Fitts.  Alas, they had fallen into much the same trap as had engulfed them at the outset - they had not asked the Solicitors for an estimate or for their terms of business but had simply told them to get on with it.  It was always possible that if the Churchwardens had Asked Nicely those Solicitors, or even a rather more suitable firm, would have given them a Special Rate - lots of Solicitors go to Church and some are even Churchwardens.

So the poor Upper Godwotians had to roll up their sleeves even further than before and raise some more money; fortunately, thanks to a very sucessful Cycle Ride and a Handsome Legacy that year, the LHCT was feeling Fairly Flush and was able to help a bit more and in the end St Fridebred's was proberly repaired.  The Churchwardens and PCC are still Licking Their Wounds.

The Villains of the Piece are of course Mr Leaning Piers and his friends Messrs Bogit & Cover; and Messrs Argue and Phibbs didn't exactly Cover Themselves in Glory.

None of this need have Happened (or at any rate the nasty things).  Sensible Churchwardens should ask themselves at the outset if they have the Knowledge and Experience to push through a major exercise of this kind.  If they are not confident there is Help Available.  The Archdeacon is a busy man but he Knows a Lot and is only too pleased to help.  The LHCT actually makes a small panel of businesslike committee members available to advise the sort of parish where members are small and worldly experience is in short supply - where money can be found, how to fill up the lengthy and sometimes impenetrable forms and how to engage and deal with an architect.  And when it comes to doing the work on the church it is the architect who Matters Most.  The Absolute Essential must be to find an architect, properly Experienced and Recommended (the Archdeacon or the DAC will always help) who is liked and trusted; and then enter into a Proper Agreement with him, so that he acts for the Parish in getting a Good Job at the Agreed Price and no-one can Shilly-Shally.  An additional point is that it can actually pay to comply with the letter of English Heritage's conditions, insisting on them inspecting work where they say that they need to - a bit of thorough Nit-Picking in this case might have saved some tears which were shed along the way.

MORAL - LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP!
TAKE ADVICE BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING AT ALL!

This horrible story is based on fact.  The names have been slightly changed (well, changed) to save further embarrassment.  Like the Loamshire HCT, Dorset Historic Churches Trust and many other County Trusts are always glad to give initial advice so that Parishes are safely launched in the right direction.